I REALIZED THAT BEING SUDDENLY THRUST INTO A STATE OF DOING NOTHING. IT'S MAYBE MAKING ME ANXIOUS AND INSANE.

I have organized my days around activities, schedules, work, and Practices. Without that framework, I would slipped into what I like to think of as “crazy Jade time “— check my phone, feel anxious, wander around the house looking for something I have lost, check my phone, feel anxious, go to the kitchen to look for tasty snacks, brush my hair, check my phone, and maybe try to remember what you did with your time before life ground to a halt.  I wonder if many  “ Nurotypical people” aka “non ADHD people” have been experiencing the same kind of aimlessness and time distortion throughout this pandemic? But I have to remind myself that fighting aimlessness and time distortion is my everyday normal right now. 

Attention deficit/hyperactivity disorder is a confusing, contradictory, inconsistent, and frustrating condition. It is overwhelming to live with it every day. But I have learned to manage and use it for good. I would love to drop the term “Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder”, because it describes the opposite of what I experience every moment of my life. It is hard to call something a disorder when it has many positives.

ADHD is not a damaged or defective nervous system. It is a nervous system that works well using its own set of rules.  Despite ADHD’s association with learning disabilities, most people with an ADHD have significantly higher-than-average IQs. Just saying with a huge smile on my face. They also use that higher IQ in different ways than neurotypical people. By the time “some” people with ADHD reach high school, they are able to tackle problems that stump everyone else, and can jump to solutions that no one else saw.  I used the word “SOME”. I like to say this because it is the God honest truth.  With this unique “disorder” you are going to be successful or likely an inmate. That’s the truth. Because we are all or nothing. Most have highly addictive personalities and a lot never actually have been pointed , introduced, been inspired or guided to find their passion and they start using drugs and alcohol to fill that void. I was super lucky to find my passion “Color Theory”. 

I am not overly hyperactive. I am hyperactive “internally”. I  don’t have a shortage of attention. I pay too much attention to everything. Sometimes hyper focus one thing. If I was  unmedicated I would have six or seven things going on in my minds at once. I would say I don’t have a attention deficiency, but a inconsistency.  I can “get in the zone” at least four or five times a day. When I am in the zone, I have no impairments, and the executive function deficits that I may have had before entering the zone disappear. That’s why I can only do certain amount of clients a day. I know I can be bright and clever, but I am never sure whether my abilities will show up when I need them. The fact that symptoms and impairments come and go throughout the day is just one of my defining trait of having ADHD. It makes the condition mystifying and frustrating at the same time. 

Back to the ZONE. I get in the zone by being interested in, or intrigued by, what I am doing. I call it an interest-based life style that I was born with and can’t change. I have had Judgmental friends and family, in the past, not naming any names, see this as being unreliable or self-serving. I also get in the zone when I am challenged or thrown into a competitive situation. Sometimes a new task attracts my attention. Sadly , it’s usually short-lived, though, and everything gets old after a while. I can engage in tasks and access my abilities when the task is urgent / do-or-die deadline, for instance. This is why procrastination is can be my middle name. I sometimes want to get my uninteresting work done, but i can’t get started until the task becomes interesting, challenging, or urgent. That’s the truth. That’s probably why I always wait to clean my salon until 30 mins before client gets there. Because it’s a challenge to get it all done before they arrive. And before that I could care less about it. 

So all this info brings me to while I am about to lose my mind during quarantine. I have no urgency to get things cleaned or done. Normally I can maintain my house hold better good because I work and I have a schedule and I know the only times I have to get things done. And I get those Boring things done in the time frame. My job keeps my mind focused and makes me feel somewhat normal because that is my “in the ZONE” times. I have lost my “in the zone”. I am either hyper focused and neglect my family or I walk around the house over whelmed and not engaged.  I find myself Looking around for something I that I forgot what I was looking for. I try to keep my head on straight and remember that this is not forever. I think writing this out will help me get back into some type of schedule. Recognizing who I am and how to deal with it. But pray for sanity for everyone. I can’t be the only one who feels this way.